So i have the best game of mahjong i've ever played in my memory. Good hands, played the right cards and basically did not do anything too wrong against some rather seasoned players. Win a lot too... but in the end, i find myself miserable.

I think you need to know that when i say sorry many times, i mean it and you should stop pushing me to the edge like you did tonight. I apologized for not speaking up ab out ending the game after one round but i thought a half round was a fair compromise. Even then, i promised that it would not happen again.

I think about all the things you said, about not being awake when i am with you all the time just cos i fell asleep twice when i was at your place but did i not wake up and watch a whole episode of OC with you on your bed. Was i not awake when i sent you for rehearsals and rushed back and forth for my hair cut and then to pick you up?

Do i have to convince you and now myself that i care for you and that i still aim to please you? I hate doing that because it just makes it seem as though i'm calculating every little thing that i do. But you're forcing me to. I don't like to be accused of treating you as if you don't matter. You mean the world and i like to think that I treat you accordingly but somehow i get the feeling that its not enough.... So what then must i do?

I went for the gig tonight for you... was there just for your performance. I feel outta place with all the "arts" people rehearsing for gigs and all. You should know that, ever since i started keeping you company for your first arts bash till now. My scrunged-up face is not a reflection of my unhappiness at being there....it's simply a reflection of my uncomfortableness at being surrounded by "arts" people rehearsing for something i know that i can never do. So excuse me for feeling left out and out of place.

I'm tired... just want to sleep... Tomorrow will be a better day... hopefully

cocoa lee blogged on 3:26 PM